A Calendar, Goa, and Illich: Unlearning the Institutions Within

 As I write this blog, I’m on the way to Goa with my peers. It isn’t exciting — it’s unusually frightening. Fear can be hard to express, and sometimes it stands alone, without any reinforcement from the outside world. I’ve always believed in dreams and premonitions; maybe something from my stressed sleep brought these feelings to the surface. Feelings don’t always show up as pessimism, but today they did.

My morning began with a piece written by Dr. John Kurien, former professor at CDS, on the brilliant Austrian philosopher Ivan Illich. I read it during what feels like one of the most uncertain moments of my life, simply because it was shared by two people I deeply revere. Illich has undoubtedly enlightened countless minds — but today, he stirred something deeper within me.

His ideas on deschooling resonated intensely. I’ve always been an ardent supporter of institutionalism. I used to believe institutions could transform nations. But Illich offered a perspective I had ignored — institutions can also destroy the most tender human feelings. Schools, offices, and even families often teach us to hide emotions, tolerate disrespect, and cry in silence.

A memory from January 14, 2025 surfaced. My dad had proudly shown a student-created CTK calendar — something I coordinated and poured myself into — to one of my older cousins. That calendar is precious to me. Yet, he tossed it aside carelessly. I wanted to speak up. I wanted to defend the work my teammates, my professor, and I had done. But family, as an institution, has trained me otherwise.

Because I am a girl.

Because I must be “good”, modest, humble, soft-spoken.

Because respect, for some reason, is something I’m expected to give but not claim.

So I stayed silent. I locked my room, hugged my pillow, and waited for him to leave. When he was gone, I took the calendar in my hands, hugged it, kissed it, signed it, and held it tightly until the pain settled.

While reading Illich today, I realised something painful: my desire for recognition didn’t start at home — it started at school. The race for marks, class ranks, teachers’ appreciation, being the favourite student… somewhere in that chase, I forgot how to recognise my own work.

It reminded me of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle — a book I couldn’t understand when I was fifteen. I barely crossed a chapter back then. But today, after reading Illich, I finally understand what Tolle was trying to point at. I have been schooled too deeply to accept things imposed on me, too conditioned to seek recognition from outside.

And now, as the Goa trip unfolds with its own institutional constraints, interpersonal chaos, and emotional pressure, all of it is confronting the very design of who I have become. I am stressed by my work, warned by the people I love, unable to always blend with my peers, and torn between holding on to my principles or trading them for belonging.

My Goa trip is both frightening and strangely revealing.

I hope Illich guides me.

I hope his ideas help me stand stronger.

I hope they teach me how to stand alone — without fear.